The Best Non-Traditional Mother's Day Bouquets, From Thongs to Salami

Mother is bored, darling [takes Parliament drag]. It’s always year in and year out of the Same Old sedated grocery store tulips or roses and baby’s breath, which is fine for a casual Wednesday purchase but… this year? This year, Mommy just might punt them out of your hands if she gets another sad, wilt-in-a-day bouquet. After everything we’ve been through in the past few years, this year’s obligatory floral arrangement deserves a little more pizazz.

If it’s flowers you seek, they’d better bring her a lot of personality and drama, or not even be "flowers" at all. Lest we should forget: We live in a world where a bouquet of crayfish is just a click away. So why would ye settle for anything less than an under-the-sea fantasy? 

This Mother’s Day, the goal is simply to strike a balance between the delightful, the edible, and the unforgettable. Gather daisies by the railroad tracks, and do a jig. Give her some tingly ASMR gifts, like a skull-clutching scalp massager. Even if you’re not within traveling distance of dear Mother, or the mother-esque person in your life, there are plenty of clever bouquet crafters online hawking Stevie Nicks-worthy pampas bouquets, forever felt flowers (for the crafty mother), and meat medleys for food lovers. In the words of one charcoochie purveyor, “Flowers start to wilt after a couple of days, but salami’s meaty goodness just keeps on going.” It brings a tear to our eyes, so let’s find some of the best non-traditional bouquets for Mother’s Day.

Bless the elves who brought together these billy balls, broom blooms, and hydrangea for a dried bouquet that will really hold on to its color with time. Even comes with a vase, so all you have to do is smash that order button and include a corny sun aphorism. 

Essentially, the contents of a Pagan cauldron have been stood upright for this dried bouquet, which includes a mix of lowkey, earthy goodness of thistle and eucalyptus with pops of color and texture from mini pampas and honey-hued billy balls. It would be exhausting, if it didn’t all come together so effortlessly. Bonus points for whomstever branded this arrangement “The Catskill.” Send it to your East Coast mother with a Grey Gardens-adjacent book. 

Here’s an idea: Buy a gorgeous, single Sun Palm and fan your mother for 15 minutes. 

Is your mom an engineer? A Capricorn? Then she’ll enjoy assembling her own bouquet with you out of these adult Legos. With a 4.9-star average rating from over 14,800 reviews on Amazon, the brand’s signature “floral” bouquet is so special precisely because it’s a bonding activity wrapped-up in a gift. There are accurate versions of everything from California poppies to snapdragons in the impressive arrangement.

… Or maybe your mom would prefer some Lego orchids? This set is delicate as can be, will never wilt, and is 23% off at Amazon right now.

If your mom smokes a lot of weed is a little whimsical, she’ll appreciate this check print bouquet by Mackenzie-Childs, which combines paper and polyester flowers, natural pods and twigs, and sinamay ribbon to create a visual wonderland.

Big Kindred Sisterhood energy for these, which were felted by women artisans in Nepal. They don’t just come in one pre-arranged set (which would be cool enough); You can pick and choose from dozens of options (felt sunflowers, tea roses, peonies, alliums, lotus, and more) for your forever bouquet. And remember: She can’t kill them, because they were never alive! 

Is your mother a semi-controlling ice queen with poreless skin, lots of David Yurman bracelets, and a semi-secret love of The Good Witch on Hallmark? Then she deserves some blown-glass flowers, which would look just as nice in her living room as they would her office.

How simpler things were, in the pre-Instagram shopping years. It was the era of Pimp My Ride, the Next bus, Cameron Diaz starring in things, and Oprah dutifully telling us which candles to huff via her “Favorite Things”—the ultimate starter pack before starter packs. Once upon a 2014, this meat medley was actually on HRH’s Favorite Things round-up, and the bouquet of Olympia Provisions' Chorizo Rioja, Saucisson Sec, and Nola salamis is a beautiful offering for Mother Season. Charcuterie instantly elevates any activity, and these schlongs were crafted “from all natural Northwest pork using old world techniques that have all but gone extinct.” Extinct. How worldly, and high drama. How mama!

Want to plate up an even meatier meat bouquet? Here’s a next-level option from Manly Man Co. (LOL) that brings together 8 stems of original, teriyaki, hot, and mixed (??) jerky flowers in one elegant beer glass. Mummy will swoon.

It is a righteous and deeply appreciated move to improve your loved ones’ underwear collection. Also, most people don’t know that May is the ripest time for the thong harvest! So if you’re married/partnered with a mom or someone who has a butt that likes thongs and/or The Bachelor, go for this classic Hanky Panky red underwear rose. It includes a single long-stem, lingerie rose that was consciously grown to maturity by the sweet sounds of Sisqó (deep cuts only).

The glories of the goblincore lifestyle know no age, and no bounds, and all the spores. If your mom would prefer a non-traditional Mother’s Day bouquet of shrooms to daisies, cop this oyster mushroom grow kit on Amazon. Not only is the kit under $15, but it has over 26,600 reviews praising how easy it makes the growing process. As one fan writes, “You are buying a kit that has everything you need, is easy to use, to amuse, entertain, and learn.”

“Ordered this for my Mum for Mother’s Day,” writes one reviewer of this knock-out bouquet of Ferrero Rocher chocolates; “The seller kindly scheduled the delivery for as close to the day as possible. She loved it.”

Because sending mother what is basically a pop-up book of paper flowers is very charming and more price-accessible that a breathing bouquet, but it *is* medium to high-key mime behavior. There are a bunch of paper bouquets on Lovepop (yes, even tulips and delightful white daisies), but the wildflowers somehow feel like the perfect relaxed choice.

We might just order this bouquet to see if it’s real. The arrangement has been splayed with all meticulous aplomb of a serial killer, enigmatically named “Seafood Dance Bouquet” and includes crab legs, crayfish, shrimp, lemons, tomatoes, and something called “seafood sauce.” The pinnacle of Mother’s Day bouquets.

Just going to leave this here. Night-night!

Whatever you do, or don’t (please report back on the crawfish??): Don’t forget to call. 

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.