The VICE Guide to Being Broken Up With

There are often two roles to play in a break-up (unless you are poly, in which case there may be any number of roles in this messy pantomime) — The person doing the breaking-up and the person being broken up with. 

Ending a relationship is hard, there’s no doubt about that, as it can come with guilt, awkwardness and fear — But let’s be frank, of the two options, they’re the lucky bastards who have weeks to prepare for curtain call. They’re not the ones dealing with the shock or embarrassment of someone you maybe love telling you it’s all over. 

Being broken up with is the worst. It can be sprung on you at any unexpected moment. Or maybe you know it’s coming and feel a cold sweat every time your S/O suggests you go to an unfamiliar spot for coffee or out on a walk. Whatever the reason, or the way it goes down, finding out that someone thinks being with you sucks is never a good feeling. 

Whether it's happened to you before or not, preparing to be broken-up with at some point in your life is never a bad call. Putting a bit of thought into how you’d act is a sound way of stopping yourself from coming out of it looking like a loser, asshole or massive idiot. 

DON'T GET WASTED

This is the number one tip for a reason. Alcohol and emotionally charged conversation do not go hand in hand — So if you think you’re heading to the guillotine, don’t get drunk before, and if you’re talking at a bar and the dreaded conversation starts happening don’t keep throwing back drinks to make the news easier to swallow. You’ll only regret it tomorrow when you wake up with no partner and a throbbing hangover. 

DON’T YELL

A simple rule you’d hope most people would follow anyway, but don’t yell at people. Especially in public. And this isn’t to say you have to hide your reaction — there might be tears or some harsh words and that’s okay if it happens, but unless you’re reading this in the computer room at your primary school, you’re far past the age where yelling is gonna fly. 

Screaming and shouting at someone when they’re trying to break-up with you is a surefire way to make sure they’re glad they’re leaving you. It’ll only make you look like an asshole in the end. 

DON’T BEG

Similar vibe to above. It’s about protecting yourself as much as it is not subjecting them to an awkward and painful ordeal. 

Begging a partner to give things another chance or to stay together can feel a bit pathetic. As much as it’s easier to be on the other side, they’ve probably put a lot of thought into the decision and when and how to do it, and you begging for a change of mind is unlikely to work out in the moment or the long run. You don’t need to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you. Take the L and move on. 

FORGET LOOKING COOL OR ‘WINNING’ 

I may have said you don’t want to come across as pathetic, but pathetic is better than trying and failing to look cool. No one wins in a break-up, it’s an archaic idea reserved for 2000s romcoms and influencers deluded enough to think any of us care. 

Working overtime to come across as careless or clever, with snarky jabs and a deadpan stare, only gives you more opportunity to embarrass yourself or start a fight.

OWN YOUR FEELINGS 

Although I’ve advised against yelling, begging or trying to look cool, these are only the wrapping paper in which you tie up what you’re saying. I’m not telling you not to share your feelings at all — In fact, now is the time. 

Say your bit while you’re face to face so you don’t end up spending hours, days and weeks simmering away in resentment, because you never told them how you feel.

And keep in mind that they’ve started the conversation, so you can be real with the person who’s made you feel hurt. It makes sense that you're sad, or confused, or frustrated, and it’s okay to tell them that. There's nothing wrong with being angry, either, it's what you do with the anger that matters.

GIVE IT 48 HOURS 

If there’s something you desperately need to say or do, like asking for clothes back or cancelling tickets you’d bought back when you thought they loved you— give it a solid 48. Whether things ended on good terms or not, the space will be good for both of you. Even better if you can wait a good week or 2 before touching base.

SENDING A WALL OF TEXT WON’T GET YOU ANYWHERE

In an ideal world you will have already been able to talk things over in person, but that’s not always the case. It can be tempting after a break-up to compile every wrong-doing you feel you’ve suffered in the relationship into one grand-slam message and send it your ex’s way. Getting shit off your chest can feel a lot easier over a message and it might be cathartic at first, but be prepared not to get the response that you’re looking for . The apology, acknowledgement of fault or change of mind isn’t gonna happen.

KEEP IT OFF THE INTERNET

When people are in pain, they tend to be more impulsive — and as a generation raised online the internet is our main outlet for impulse. There’s a thing called the toxic online disinhibition effect, a proven phenomena where people say things they wouldn't say in person, online. 

But as much as we feel protected by our little screens, remember that the impact of what you say is the same. So just keep your thoughts and feelings off the internet for now. 

Posting about the break-up to try and seem like you couldn’t care less is as transparent as the floor of the Sky Tower viewing deck. 

Even worse, posting some emotional spiel about how you’ve been heartbroken is a tragedy waiting to happen. Screenshots will end up in group chats you didn’t even know existed and your ex’s aunty is bound to jump on a post telling you that “you should leave our boy alone!!!”.

GETTING WASTED AFTER WON’T MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER TOMORROW

It may be time to reiterate that getting wasted is not a good idea. We all love a bottle of $18 whiskey when the time is right — but this isn’t it. You’ll say and do stupid shit and spend weeks in the pit regretting the fact that you drunkenly called your ex 32 times. 

REVENGE IS A TERRIBLE IDEA

Sleeping with their friends, bad mouthing them, sharing their intimate secrets or pictures — this one is a massive no. I am an evil woman and have been tempted as anyone to seduce my ex’s dad so I can ruin his life forever, but the reality of revenge is bitter and ugly. If you’re knowingly doing something to hurt someone, get your ass to a therapist.

DON’T LOOK FOR WAYS TO STAY IN THEIR LIFE 

Seeking out ways to spend time with your ex, or be seen by them, is behaviour more likely to come from an amicable break-up — but if you’re hoping that remaining a regular fixture in their life is gonna get them back, I’m afraid you’re shit out of luck. For the most part, their decision is made. Don’t make it any harder on them or more embarrassing for you by suddenly and mysteriously getting a long black at their local cafe every morning or working out at the same gym. 

DON’T GO BACK 

If the person doesn't want you, why would you want them? Things can get really confusing after a break-up because you sometimes find yourself experiencing legitimate grief, but grief doesn't mean you should get back together. It's the mistake that a lot of people make, myself included – thinking ‘this is sad and hard’ and mistaking that for ‘I still want to be with that person.’ But remember, they’ve already made their decision, so you need to believe it. Forget the ex and open yourself to people who actually do want to be with you.

LOOK FOR THE POSITIVES

A break-up can leave you feeling shame, embarrassment, like you're unworthy or even unlovable — so remind yourself of the good things you have and tell your brain to STFU if it’s throwing unwarranted thoughts your way. Remember, there are people in your life that love you and care, and you’ve always been more than your relationship. Invest in yourself, other friendships and other parts of your life that are going to make you happy again. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.