Why No One Cares If Eating Your Duck Medium-Rare May Kill You

Duck.

Aside from giving depressingly lonely elderly folks a receptacle for their near-endless supply of stale bread, the bird has delighted diners and forlorn Jews on Christmas—and the occasional Jew for Jesus on Hanukkah—for centuries.

Hell, you don't need to have a secret banya, complete with a plum-sauce sauna and creepy Russian dudes wielding scallion pancakes with which they mercilessly pummel your naked body, to know that the winged game is a pretty delicate delight, best served medium-rare. Chefs in the finest restaurants around the world extoll the virtues of this feathered waterfowl and typically serve the delicacy rosy pink.

But lousy news for ducks and duck-loving chefs has just arrived from England, a country lousy with love for its grouse, pigeon, and, of course, duck.

The British Food Standards Agency now says that duck should never be served pink. Why? Because the campylobacter bug—a bacteria that most people concerned with food safety normally associate with chicken—is running afoul of Donald, Daffy, and friends. Waddle you know? (Ugh—pretty sure I just threw up a bit in mouth a little after writing that.)

Dad puns aside, the British watchdog has strongly urged vigilance, stating that the bird should never be served rare or medium-rare, just like the fowl's kissing cousin, the chicken.

You wouldn't eat your chicken rare, right? That's because among the chicken population—at least according to the Brits—seven out of ten chickens are infected with the bacteria. The campylobacter bug is killed, however, when meat is fully cooked—as in, scorched-earth well-done—which is why we typically only eat chicken cooked to 165 degrees or higher.

So why do we treat ducks differently? Well, we shouldn't, say the Brits.

Steve Wearne, director of policy at the British food agency, said: "We recognize that many people choose not to take that advice, but that does lay them open to risks."

Wondering what campylobacter can do to you? According to the US Centers for Disease Control, "Campylobacteriosis is an infectious disease" and it may cause "diarrhea, cramping, abdominal pain, and fever." Not so bad? Well, "The diarrhea may be bloody and can be accompanied by nausea and vomiting." And yes, if your immune system is compromised, it can kill you.

In further bad news for British ducks—like really bad news—Kevin Hargin, head of foodborne disease at the FSA, said that the duck population may "need looking at in [the] future." That's a British understatement for, "Hey ducks, sorry bros, but we, like, totally may need to kill you."

These Brits are not kidding around. They've targeted raw milk and chicken in the past. Now they're asking citizens of the Empire to cook their duck to a greyish pallor.

Thank goodness the American food safety system is such a mess. We're free to eat our duck pink here. At least for now.

What can we say? Bowel control isn't all it's quacked up to be anyways.