Here’s When Couples Are Most Likely To Break-Up

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

All relationships are unique. How you and your partner communicate, what obscure bedroom pop album you bond over, and the type of long and winding dates you go on are all special to you and probably wouldn’t make sense to anyone else.

But, there are some patterns that tend to show up across the board when it comes to break-ups.

I know that in early high school, relationships would almost always end with a crushing text after a two to four-week period of hand-holding, sharing headphones on the bus, and Thursday late-night shopping dates. While our relationships might not mirror what they looked like in Year 7 forever, there are still key timeframes and events that can expose a vulnerability.

When the “honeymoon” phase ends

The honeymoon phase of any relationship is pure bliss. You’re simply obsessed with each other, you can spend all day in bed watching the world go by together without feeling gross, and you get butterflies when you see their name pop up over text. This phase usually lasts for around six months to a year, and in that time, your whole life usually revolves around hanging out with this person.

It’s sad, but this feeling fades over time – which people take as a fading of love rather than infatuation. A 2022 study found that factors such as stress, boredom, and life’s demands start to impact the quality of your bond after this period ends. While it might be nice to envision a reality where lying in a park and talking about moving to a ranch in Montana is our only responsibility, that’s simply not the case. Jobs, school, careers and family matters are very real and can disrupt this perfection.

Sometimes, couples realise they’re not as compatible as they thought after this period ends when “real life” things start to pop up. They might realise they have different goals and values or simply find that there’s no new ground to uncover.

If the initial “spark” is gone, and you can’t envision a future that involves making nice with their unfriendly siblings because you love them, then it’s probably a sign the honeymoon phase has ended.

At the three, seven, 11 and 15-year marks

You might’ve heard of the '“seven-year itch” before, but according to relationship counsellor Kim Polinder, there are multiple years that could be considered markers or hurdles in relationships: three, seven, 11 and 15.

“When couples call it quits early on, such as [during] years two or three, they generally have not learned how to resolve conflict. The honeymoon phase has worn off, and past resentments start to overwhelm the relationship,” Polinder says.

Polinder states that by year seven, couples can start to ponder whether they’ve hit stagnation and are growing in different directions, and by 11, couples will know whether they’ve put in the work to grow stronger and most past any stagnation. She says that couples who break up at the 15-year mark have “forgotten to be friends” and have likely “started living as roommates” rather than lovers. Ouch.

These years usually do come with major life changes. Couples who got together in mid to late high school often call it quits as uni starts – one might want to explore their freedom or have to move to a new town for school. Additionally, couples who get together in their early twenties can often start to feel differently about how the next decade of their lives will look as 27 to 28 hits.

During stressful holiday periods

It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but Christmas can be responsible for a fair amount of break-ups. If you remember your parents bickering over eggnog and exchanging side-eyes over presents, they probably weren’t the only ones. Data collected by Meta a few years back even suggested that December 11th was the most popular day for relationships to end.

Couples are more likely to break-up around holiday periods like Christmas, New Year’s Eve and milestone birthdays because they might amplify cracks that are already there. The holidays can bring stress, long events, alcohol and financial troubles, which is generally a cocktail for relationship drama without prior tension existing.

While there are heaps of factors that might influence when a couple breaks-up — age, whether you’re in a hetero couple, cultural background and more, these patterns can honestly help us feel like we’re not alone. Ending a relationship can be scary, isolating and make us feel like we’re the only people in the world who’ve ever felt this level of heartbreak, so there is some comfort in knowing other folks have been through similar experiences.

Overall, if carried out respectfully, a relationship ending shouldn’t be seen as a failure, no matter how long you were together for. Knowing that you shared cherished memories with someone, opened up and experienced one of life’s weirdest and most thrilling chemical reactions is always something to be celebrated and remembered, even if you feel yourself getting down.

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