Three Things I Don't Want for Mother's Day—Plus The One Thing I'll Treasure

As Mother’s Day is knocking at the door and you're awash with panic about what to get mom, I have some deep wisdom and insight into what she really wants. Get ready because it might shock you. Here it goes: It’s you.

Before you roll your eyes, hear me out. As someone celebrating my 21st Mother’s Day I’ve seen it all. The lavish brunches, the expensive gifts, the flowers. But all I really wanted was to spend the day with my children and family.

Easy enough but here’s the catch: I don’t want a day where we are “together” while I’m doing your laundry and wiping up the crumbs you left on the couch. Nope, I want to have you all to myself but without the typical mother grunt work.

Here’s the point where you think I’m full of shit and start searching for an overpriced brunch place or opt for flowers. Sure, it’s easy to throw money at the problem, but I beg you to not phone it in. Because here’s the thing. When I held you for 24 straight hours as you threw up down my back, I didn’t phone it in. So now is your chance to really hit me with your love and creativity (but hold the vomit).

Before I offer more specific ideas about what moms really want, let’s explore what we don’t want you to do, which is waste your money.

Aside from the exhaustion of having to actually shower, get dressed and then drive somewhere, brunch sticker shock might just kill mom. At one point we pondered doing a Mother’s Day Brunch at the swanky Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach, Florida. Once I saw the prices I nearly went into cardiac arrest. For $150 per adult and $60 per kid, I could feed my family and the neighbors for a week. It is just not worth it.

Now, breakfast in bed is fabulous. However, keep in mind that doesn’t mean you destroy the kitchen to make breakfast and then allow me to emerge to a scene that resembles the set of The Exorcist. Making me scrub pancake batter off the walls doesn’t exactly say “I love you.”

II've been there one too many times. The holiday either sneaks up on you or you are at a loss about what to buy. Hello CVS. The big problem with last minute drug store shopping is you end up spending $14 on the Potty Putter. It’s not necessarily the money, but honestly when do you think I’ll have enough time to sit on the toilet and golf when you are screaming for me to help you figure out which of the two guys you found on Bumble look less like a serial killer?

Also, you may think you can get off the hook with a gift card, right? A rando Visa gift card basically says,” I have no idea what you like mom, so go spend $25 on yourself.” Meanwhile, keep in mind I probably gave you that $25 for taking out the trash or walking the dog.

Perhaps you’ve heard me bitch about eye bags or an ass that seems to be heading into its own zip code. Mother’s Day isn’t the time to be “helpful” by hooking me up with extra strength wrinkle or cellulite cream. Let me save you the $120 for HydroPeptide Firming moisturizer. I’d rather slink into the store incognito and get it on my own.

This category also includes stuff to “help” me do mom type stuff like cleaning and cooking. Again, a $800 Roomba may help keep the constant flood of dog hair off the floor but it still doesn’t scream Mother’s Day.

Other than spending time with her, what will score you major points with mom on Mother’s Day are thoughtful gifts that are either free or won’t cost a ton of money.

Give her a break. Tinkerbell isn’t the one constantly picking up your dirty undies off the floor—it is your mother. Rather than business as usual think about routine tasks mom does for you (that I assure you, she hates) and take over. Do the laundry, clean bathrooms, make dinner (but don’t forget to clean up). Stuff like that is gold for most moms and will only cost a little sweat equity.

Treat mom like a queen. Last year my teenage daughter gathered her extensive collection of makeup (that I paid for, of course) and gave me a makeover. I suck at makeup, she knows it, but she was able to take at least five years off my face. She then gave me some of her brushes and eyeshadows to use. I loved that gift.

Get creative. A few years ago my son, who is currently a broke college student, spent only $10 to have a commemorative stone engraved with my beloved dog Mabel’s name, who passed away too young. O.k., that made me cry. Big win for that kid.

Keep in mind, Mother’s Day should not be a lot of pressure to make epic Instagram memories. In fact, don’t post anything, just be present with your mom and tell her how much she means to you. That, alone is the most valuable gift you can give.

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